My Daughter Wants To Die!

 

All alone

Confession: my daughter wants to die!

My daughter is sensitive, quiet, caring and loving. She takes everything to heart. She is wildly creative and a little eccentric. She also struggles with depression. We have always suspected this about her.

She rarely talks about how she’s feeling but occasionally alludes to feeling stupid, dumb, worthless and unwanted. When she was in first grade she said she wished she had never been born.

Over the years she has allowed us small glimpses into her soul. She has shared tidbits of her true feelings but she has always been guarded. I have prayed desperately for her to find her own voice. I was shocked when, last Christmas as we wrapped presents, she did.

We were sprawled out on the family room floor, sharing wrapping paper, tape and the only pair of scissors we could find in the entire house.  She carefully placed the last piece of tape on her perfectly wrapped gift and whispered, “Mommy, can I tell you something?”As tears filled her eyes she spoke truthfully about the pain that plagues her, the memories that haunt her and her plan to die.

For years my baby has been hiding each perceived failure in her heart. She has tucked guilt away into the back of her mind. She has let fear fill her soul. She hopes for peace but can feel nothing but dread. She lays awake at night and thinks, maybe death would bring relief. She lays in the dark wrestling through the reality of following through with her plan.

She asks herself, “Will death bring peace?” She stares at the darkness of her ceiling as depression closes in, swallowing her last glimmer of hope.

I lay awake at night too.

I strain my ears to hear movement. I mentally check through the safety plan. I drift off only to be jolted awake by a silent nothing. I creep to her room and slip under her covers just as I did when she was a baby. I lace my fingers with hers and she presses her forehead to mine. I promise I won’t let her face these demons alone any more.

While we wait  together in the dark for the first light and the hope of a new day, we now pray for the true peace that only comes from the Lord…

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” -Romans 8:26

We are not out of the woods yet. Sadness creeps in. Insecurity quietly tries to steal her joy. Shame knocks at the door of her heart. Fear whispers in the darkness.

With each word of truth spoken, the lies are losing their grip on my daughter’s soul. With each shared burden, my daughter’s shoulders seem lighter. The guilt is losing it’s weightiness and the power of the fear is dwindling. Yesterday, I heard her laugh. Really laugh. Through all this darkness, it was a sound of hope and freedom.

Question: Do you have a child dealing with the same struggles? What has given you strength? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

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  • Brian N Jennifer Rhodes

    Wow. That can take your breath!! Just another reminder that it is a real struggle for children too. God bless that child…..and anyone else living in that type of darkness. Praying they experience His light, joy, and peace!!!

    • Thanks for your prayers Brian. That family appreciates it greatly I am sure!

  • Ame

    i have a daughter who struggles with depression and wanting to die. we’ve made significant changes to her life that are helping, but it’s a continuous battle. it is scary.

    • Ame, I’m so sorry to hear that you are dealing with that. It is not easy at all and very scary. Thanks for sharing openly.

  • John Boulton

    My testimony dealt with this very problem from my past. I’ve had a hearing loss since a young child (age of 2 from measles was guessed, but no one knows). Hearing loss is very difficult to grow up with. I was ridiculed a lot during my youth. I learned when trying out hearing aids in my 40s that those with hearing loss are very high percentage of suicides of all ages, but especially the youth — and I can tell you I came close when I was young. There were two major things that saved my life: meeting the woman who would eventually become my wife of the past 35 years; and coming to Christ. But until I knew Christ was in my life, my love for my wife was still found lacking. Since then I had to learn two important things: 1) Not all the world is as bad as I’d imagined; 2) God does, indeed, have a purpose for my life. The Lord helped me to broaden my view beyond my own small world. The more I concentrated on my troubles in my own small world I became clouded with disbelief that deluded the light of hope. But love for my wife was not enough — eventually I would find myself unable to cope. But God helped me to see a new view of hope and purpose beyond what I’d envisioned before. I had to learn that more often than not, most everyone else is having to deal with personal problems, too. God knows everyone’s story, but we do not. Therefore, just because we cannot see that others are having to struggle with their personal “hang-ups” or “situations” doesn’t mean they don’t have any — and since we know that ALL come short of the glory of God, we can bet that we all have SOMETHING to deal with. It isn’t important that we know what they are. What is important is that we can express God’s love and that God understands and knows all of us. I’m pretty sure that I have learned that those who are the rudest, vilest, most inconsiderate, and toughest are those who have the hardest trouble dealing with this problem. These behave this way because they will not submit or admit to their personal struggles… sometimes never allowing for love to enter… sometimes never allowing God to enter. It’s sad. But once they allow Love to penetrate their pride — OMIGOSH look out for a major change!!! But I’ve found others who seem quiet and struggling with emotions are usually the most compassionate and expounding with a great deal of love that is just dying to burst out. Some are quiet from physical or mental abuse (sexually or beaten or orally degraded or etc.) … to which we must be very careful. Others, such as I suspect is the case with the girl of this article (and was with me) had become so self-centered because of misunderstandings for how to be expressive, or lacking the strength or courage to be the person they should be. I find these are very compassionate and understanding of feelings that they want to be so much to express this toward others, but need to quit knocking themselves down. But once they allow Love to penetrate their fears — OMIGOSH look out for a major change!!!! I’m not a psychiatrist… just a person cares for God’s loved ones… speaking from my own bit of experience.

    • John, thanks so much sharing openly and honestly!!