How To Achieve True Intimacy In Your Marriage.

Several weeks ago Mike wrote a blog post called Sex Starts In The Morning, and it went viral. The post was a challenge to husbands and wives. The premise was simple: If we choose to serve one another and put the other’s needs above our own, it can create the healthiest marriage possible. Several readers wrote back and asked if I would write a response (from a wife’s perspective). Here it is…

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Let’s get one thing straight- I’m not the kind of girl to kiss and tell 😉

I must first admit that when I saw the word “sex” in the title of my husband’s post I was embarrassed. For crying out loud, my kids and parents read this blog! What was my husband thinking? Then I read the post and laughed a little. He is so sweet. I appreciate his kindness and honestly so much.

I have been asked to write from the perspective of a wife and, to be truthful, I’ve struggled a little. My husband did such a nice job of describing servanthood that there’s no need to repeat what he said. Servanthood is placing another above yourself. For me that means folding endless amounts of socks and pausing our favorite tv show so he can take a phone call. It means making a favorite meal for the ones I love and leaving the good parking spot open when I know he’s going to get home late.

Servanthood is a gift but it is not something specific to marriage. You can serve your children, a neighbor or even a complete stranger. You may stop to hold the door for an unknown person, but you will probably not sleep with her. On the contrary you may have a one night stand with someone whom you care nothing for. My husband wasn’t talking about serving the neighbor and he wasn’t talking about sleeping with a stranger. He was talking about marriage. The thing that makes marriage different from both of these scenarios is intimacy.

I love to look up words in the dictionary! I’m pretty sure it’s one of the things my husband loves about me too 🙂 Here are a few of the definitions I found on intimacy as they pertain to marriage.

Intimacy- A loving personal relationship with another person. 

The truth is I would never want to be with anyone else. There is no one I would rather wake up to than my husband. Every morning he brews a pot of coffee and I smell it before my feet even hit the floor. I quickly make our bed and meet him at the bottom of the stairs in his cozy little office. Before I do anything else, I say good morning. Each day is worth looking forward to because I share each day with him.

If you regularly read this blog you know we have a lot of children. Sometimes as the day ends we are so exhausted we stare at each other cross eyed. My favorite nights are the ones when we’ve finally tucked those sweet kiddos into bed and we meet by the fire pit off our back patio. We choose the bench seat so we can sit close to one another. We talk late into the night linking fingers, sipping warm coffee and laughing.

Intimacy- The quality of being familiar; Friendship.

My husband and I are the funniest people on the planet. Ok, maybe not but we sure think we are. If you pass us on the highway or get stuck behind us in the school pick-up line, you may find us belting out EVERY word to an Aerosmith power-ballad. (You know which one I’m talking about.) Possibly we will be carrying on a conversation using only movie lines. Sometimes our kids get in on the jokes too.

Our 7 year old loves to ask in his singsong, 2nd grade voice, “Mommy, do you have a boyfriend?” I answer “Yes, it’s Daddy, he’s sooooooooooo cute!” and revel in the gagging sounds my 7th graders make from the other room. This entertainment often frustrates and embarrasses our children, thus making it the absolute perk to being in a loving friendship for over 15 years.

Intimacy- A deep knowledge or understanding.

If I hear a funny joke, he’s the one I want to tell.

If I’m puking my guts up, he’s the one I want to bring me a bucket.

If I have good news, he’s the one I want to share it with.

My husband and I met almost 17 years ago. We were filled with youth, and passion for life. We are a little older now. A little less idealistic but not less passionate. We have embraced this life together. We have weathered storms that our 19 and 20 year old selves could not have imagined. I’ll never forget the quiet of the car ride home after we buried our newborn daughter.

Glancing over to see the pain on his face, a reflection of the same pain I felt ripping my heart in two. I knew that he was the only one that deeply shared my pain. On the flip-side we have also shared joy that we never could have anticipated. I love nothing more than seeing his grin widen into a full smile.

Intimacy- sex.

And that, my friends, is none of your business.

Question: Join the conversation! What is your perspective? You can leave a comment by clicking here.


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  • Kym Faulkner

    Wonderfully written!

    • Kym, I agree. She nailed it!

    • Kristin Berry

      Thank you!

  • cathynboerne

    PERFECT! Thank you for reminding me of how I want my last marriage to be…

    • So glad you liked her post. She did an amazing job.

  • Julie Long Matthews

    Great job, Kristin. That is what we should all strive for.

    • Awesome. So glad you liked her post. She nailed it big time.

  • Austin

    Kristin, this was better than I was hoping. Your reader comments may not reflect it (in quantity or passion), because I think you avoided a lot of the controversial topics (in a good way). But to those paying attention, you hit some of the best points in marriage that I believe can be made: Your spouse must be your best friend. It is a strange combination of that dynamic duo from the school yard that every kid is jealous of and a grown team of two that has to weather the painful storms of life.

    It made me smile and remember one of those countless times that my wife quoted a movie, like Superbad (one of her favorites) and I followed it up with the following line in the movie. It blindsides everyone else, but it is still hilarious to us. A great marriage is continuous inside jokes, daily struggles, and a shared sentiment between two people. This complimented Mike’s blog post so well, because it really identifies why servanthood is so important. That smile or pain of his that you described is more important to you than your momentary wants. Well done!

    • Austin, I’m sure I speak for Kristin when I say, thanks, and, glad you liked it.

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  • Rachel

    I very much appreciate each of your honesty. I appreciate the acknowledgement that marriage is hard but so worth the work. Both part 1 and 2 spoke to my husband and I especially great to remind us that we must each be healthy to have a healthy marraige.

    Thank you! !!

    • Hey Rachel, we are both so glad you and your husband resonated with our posts. Keep up the hard work and continue to serve one another. Thanks for your comment!

  • JOSH

    I am a man therefor i do not know what to say lol. but whats on my mind is me and my wife are going through the same distance that you guys did and what struck my heart was we also lost a baby, 35 weeks stillborn! im not familiar with what a blog is but i will always take you and your husbands advice when ever i see it! this is awesome and it struck a nerve with me! im in my office when i should be helping my wife with dishes! have a good night guys!

    • Josh, so glad we could help. I am sorry for your loss and my hope for you is that you and your wife can begin to reconnect. Good for you for recognizing the opportunity to serve. Keep working hard!

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  • Kathy Anderson

    Dear Kristin, I must confirm…you and Mike are not the funniest people on the planet. I’m afraid my husband and I have you beat, hahaha. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you both for your encouragement. Marriage is indeed a lifetime of learning and growing. A servant attitude is definitely a cornerstone in building a healthy marriage or any relationship for that matter. Thank you for demonstrating this to your children. Having a servant frame of mind isn’t always an easy thing to grasp much less demonstrate if one grows up in an environment where it’s absent. Replacing a selfish, self centered attitude with a giving, selfless one is quite a struggle for some even with the best of intentions because it was never learned. This brings me to something which I feel is another cornerstone in marriage…forgiveness. Would love to hear from you both on this relationship staple. Thanks.

    • Kathy, love it. That is too funny. Great words. Thanks for sharing with us.

  • 1busymomx4

    Thank you for sharing your side. I am happily married to my best friend and I think your description captures it beautifully. He’s the one I always go to if I want to share! We homeschool as well and I love that when he helps around the house the kids are there to see it. Mike, you’re an awesome husband, keep it up!

    • Thanks so much for sharing these encouraging words with us! We are grateful.

  • BarbraB

    How can I deal with 14yrs old tantrums, screaming at me and failing in school?

  • Jeff Jackson

    The last Definition! HAHAHAH AWesome! Great post guys, i love your writing style, open and honest thoughts shared so tactfully! Great job!