Following a safety plan in your home is fairly cut and dry. You establish the plan, you follow the plan, and often the plan is discussed openly amongst you and your children. But that changes when you’re in public. How do you continue to follow your plan and not embarrass your children?
This may seem like a moot subject during this current landscape of life. At some point, however, we’re going to return to normal and begin interacting with others outside of our home. When that time comes, you will have to hold up the safety plan you created to keep your children, and other children safe. But how do we do that and not face embarrassment?
It can be a challenge to understand what children with a trauma history need the most. Especially since trauma often leaves a child unable to express this in a healthy way. Out of this, there are some crucial needs that we as caregivers must be aware of.
“If you don’t stop holding that baby, she’s never going to learn to walk,” a nosey middle-aged man exclaimed in the church lobby for all to hear. My ten-month-old daughter, already an introvert by nature, was wrapped around my body like a koala. For her, the church lobby was a place to be endured. She hated the bustle, the noise, and the constant attention. As a pastor’s family and a transracial adoptive family, we were often the center of attention.
It’s a question many of us have wrestled over on this journey. Should we or should we not talk to our child about his or her past trauma? Here are some thoughts…
It’s a conversation we’ve found ourselves in quite often. Many parents believe it’s not a healthy topic of conversation to have with or in front of your children. Others lean on openness and honesty. We lean that way too, but with one big question first…
Sometimes it’s hard to feel a genuine connection with our children. Especially if we have a lot of difficulties with them often. But trust that love is there. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
It’s no secret that some types of people are easier to love. It’s no secret that some types of people are hard to love. It’s not a secret that some types of kids are easier to love. There are even some types of kids who are SUPER HARD to love. The BIG secret however, is that sometimes they are your very own children. Even if they are biological. Sometimes connections are just easier with some than others.
Sometimes we can feel trapped when our children have extreme behaviors. The anxiety, the aggression, the constantly needing you but then pushing you away, can feel unending. We want to do the right thing, but what can we do when it feels like our backs are against a wall?
“I feel like my back’s against a wall and I don’t see any end in sight.”
Her words came across my computer screen early one morning and I remember thinking, “Boy have we been there.” Feeling like there’s no end in sight, like your child’s behavior is never going to change. Even worse, feeling like your child may never feel at peace either. Yep! We know the feeling.
It’s easy to view your child’s behavior as manipulation, but there’s something deeper going on that is hard to see on the surface…
I press my fingers into the temples of my head because I’m so…unbelievably…done! I can’t take one more second of the manipulation…the lies…the conniving…the sneakiness!
Some of our children have gone through some really tough circumstances early in their lives. It can bring us to tears to even think about the darkness they walked through. But will they ever be able to live free of it later on in life when they are adults? Tune into the our latest episode to find out…
On today’s show we are so excited to welcome Best-Selling Author, Anna LeBaron on to talk about the effects of childhood trauma and how she has worked to overcome them and live free. As a child Anna grew up in a polygamist cult and experienced horrific abuse at the hands of her father. Her story is one of hope and triumph and we know you’ll find immense encouragement from her words. Listen now…
This is a guest post by author and therapist Ron Nydam (PhD). Ron specializes in helping adoptive family’s develop and connect in a healthy, positive way. His latest book, Wise Adoptive Parenting
, helps families better connect to their children, and adoptees feel heard and understood. You can pick up your very own copy by clicking here
Through all of the trauma education, and attachment strategies we can learn (and certainly benefit from), our connection with our children still comes down to one factor: relationship!
Many parents who are new to the adoption journey wonder what it takes to make good things happen in the development of their children. They may wonder day after day how to find a way to be effective with their children who frustrate their first attempts at helping them manage his or her behavior. Parenting quickly becomes a guessing game as to what might work and might not work when a child’s behavior is out of control, or over the rails in terms of everyday family life.