Sometimes our kids have big emotions which lead to big behaviors. They seem to come out of nowhere. But if we’re really in tune with our kids, we just might catch the problem before the behaviors come and help them process in a healthy way.
A friend from out of town visited over the weekend. Not someone we see often since it’s a long plane ride between us. So our kids don’t really know him even though we have been friends a long time. Since college long-time. I won’t tell you how many years that has been so not to age myself. Since business overlaps for us, we had him come help us with a few things for an extended weekend.
In our latest episode of The Honestly Adoption Podcast, we conclude our series, Is It Disobedience Or Something Else, by talking about teenagers…
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Fostering, adopting, or even simply parenting teenagers is no small task and it’s certainly not for the faint of heart. It’s challenging. But when you consider the reality of trauma histories, and how they determine present behavior, the question must be asked- “Is this a teenager being a teenager, or is there something else going on here?” That’s the question we answer in this episode of the podcast. Listen in now…
This post is written by adoptive mom, Kristin who believes that when we understand our children better, we stop trying to change them and instead change ourselves.
When our child’s behavior becomes off-putting, or prickly, it’s often hard to remember that it’s an indication of something bigger going on with them. Remembering this, however, can change how we approach our children…
Blackberries are ripening in Indiana. The warm, rainy summer has left our crop of berries abundant. Behind our barn on the east side of our property the blackberry bushes grow wild, twisting and climbing, weaving their way over old tree stumps and hiding the fresh fruit behind tall weeds. I love to grab a large bowl from the kitchen and make my way behind the barn to pick the dark purple berries. I reach gingerly past the thorns delicately pulling the berries free from the vine. By the time I’m finished, the bowl is full, and I head to the kitchen to make dessert. My hands are stained purple and tiny scratches cover my arms, webbed reminders of the delicate and painful work of harvesting this sweet treat.
We are excited to kick off a brand new season of The Honestly Adoption Podcast. Beginning with this new season, we are also featuring the show on YouTube. Check it out..
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For the next several weeks we are asking the question, “Is it disobedience or something else?” The reality is, children who have experienced significant trauma display behaviors that can often be misinterpreted as disobedience. But the truth is, there is so much more going on.
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The disastrous car rides, the grocery store trips that abruptly end in fights, the movie nights that turn into tears. What do you do when one of your children continually causes all your children to be disregulated? How do you stop them? On today’s episode of the podcast, we’re answering this big question…
This one resonates deeply with us. We’ve stood helplessly by and watched all of our other children, who are just trying to ride to church, or school, in peace, move into a complete emotional tailspin because one of our children cannot keep their hands, or comments, to themselves. And the day is completely ruined! Ever been there? When we’re talking about children from past trauma, we’re also talking about impulsive and often frustrating behavior. Oftentimes, they can’t even help it.
But that’s not fair to your other children! How do you stop this from happening, or at least better manage it when it does? Listen in as we answer this question…
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It’s really, really hard to not take your child’s behavior personally. In fact, it’s downright impossible at times. But I promise…it’s not your fault. Here’s why:
I confess. I used to be really, really mad at my kid. Scratch that: enraged. I was enraged. Every time he acted out, destroyed something in my home, terrorized one of my other kids, hurt my wife, wound up in the principal’s office, did something to the neighbor kid, I saw red. My blood boiled. I would react to him out of anger. I said so many things I regret. I did things I wish I could go back in time and undo.
If you’ve parented a child from a traumatic past for any length of time, you already know that traditional parenting techniques do not work. But, have you ever stopped to consider why, or what you could do differently?
Kristin and I both grew up in traditional households, with parents who used traditional techniques in raising us both. There were rules and restrictions, guidelines and boundaries. And if said rules, restrictions, guidelines and boundaries were crossed, BAM, consequences were enforced. No questions asked. From all accounts, these techniques worked. We both grew up to be responsible adults who knew the difference between right and wrong. But, we also never endured significant trauma as children.
The likelihood of parenting a child who suffers from attachment issues, in foster care and adoption, is high. What does this look like, and how do you build healthy attachment with your child?
It’s easy to take it personally. In fact, if you’re currently on this road with your child you know exactly what this looks like, and how it feels. You’ve probably had moments where you’ve felt like a complete failure as a parent. We know precisely how that feels. The truth is, however, you’re not a failure and this isn’t your fault. Your child suffers from trauma deeply imbedded within them long before you came into the picture.