So much of the adoption journey is surrounded by trauma, loss, and grief. Many times friends, family, or church members will say things that seem to make it even worse. Is loss and trauma really “just a part of God’s plan?” Is getting over grief simply a matter of “trusting God more?”
Listen in to Natalie’s encouraging story as she and her husband listened and learned about finding wholeness and joy through some hard years of infertility, miscarriage, loss, and grief, as well as adoption, virtual twining, and special needs parenting.
In October 2011, Kristin and I found out we were pregnant. Since we were adoptive parents already, this came as a bit of a surprise to us. We had never been down this parenting road before. However, we lost the baby the very next month. It was painful and confusing. I wrote the following words in the days that loomed after our miscarriage.
I walk out of a crowded Apple store and unwrap the plastic from my new iPhone earbuds. I’ve been needing a new pair. The original had lost their kick. Between working out and the drives to and from my office, the time had come for new ones. It had been over a year. 15 months to be exact. That’s probably 50 years in Apple years.
A failed adoption hurts as much as a miscarriage. It’s painful, embarrassing, frustrating and defeating! When an adoption falls through and all of the plans you made diminish like dust in the wind, where do you go? What do you do? How will you ever find hope in the midst of great loss?
We were ecstatic when the call came in. The adoption agency we were working with had matched us with a birth mom and the outlook was very good. We were even invited to meet her, along with one of the agency’s social workers, at a local restaurant for lunch. We were nervous but, we accepted.
Three years ago, almost to the day, Kristin and I found out some exciting news. We were going to have a baby. This time, the old-fashioned way. We already had 8 children through adoption, so this was an exciting new journey. Little did we know the pain and agony we were about to face. In early November we miscarried. The following was written by Kristin, a few days after walking through this painful experience.
My husband and I are the proud parents of 8 amazing children all of whom are adopted. God has blessed us so abundantly that often when we have prayed for one child, a sibling group shows up instead. We came to the fabulous number 8 by taking a bumpy, wild but never accidental roller coaster ride.
Recently, we found out that we were pregnant with number 9. Our first pregnancy. What a wonderful and nerve wracking addition to an already colorful family! I worried about the kids. Would they feel displaced by this new baby? I worried about strangers. Would they criticize us for having one more? I worried about our marriage. Would we have enough energy for more sleepless nights? I worried about the bank account. Could it handle more diapers? I worried about the baby. Was each ache and pain normal or the sign of a problem?
With each passing week our fears began to melt away. We heard the baby’s heartbeat. What a beautiful surprise! We waited a few more weeks and then told the kids. They screamed with delight. We told our parents. My mom wept with joy. Friends and neighbors hugged us and congratulated us. After watching an episode of 19 Kids and Counting, we exclaimed, “we have 10 less than they do, we will be just fine!” We followed the doctor’s orders exactly. My eight year old reassured me that he had seen a TV show about birth and that it was nothing to be afraid of. (note to self: set parental locks on television).